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27 January 2018 @ 02:59 pm

My eyes are dry, it's hard to keep them open.  I'm glad the sun is out and pouring through the windows of the library I'm at.  I'm waiting for her to pick me back up for awhile...and really hoping against hope that I won't have to take the bus back home later on.  I feel hurt...lonely...and confused.  Hurt because I've been tired, therefore look and act tired.  I feel lonely because I know that she's upset with me... and know that I'll feel lonlier once I'm back at my apartment and it's just me... I also feel nauseated...and confused.  Nauseated because I feel in times like these that I'm going to lose her, confused because she drinks too...in fact, she's picking up some wine she ordered online later today.  I don't want to be scared, or panicky — I don't like feeling like this out in public, even if I'm at the library.  I want her to be happy and proud of me, not feel like I'm a disgrace...I want to sleep, drink, and go to a meeting all at the same time...I really feel out of solid ideas right now.  I know I can get to where I want to be, I'm just not exactly sure how to go about doing that anymore... and even though you haven't taken me home I'm missing you already — it almost always feels like I'm missing you 

27 January 2018 @ 02:34 pm

I tire of being ridiculed, of feeling ridiculed, and feeling less than because of something I said or may have done after I've had a few too many drinks.  I'm nervous to walk the two blocks down my street to go to a 12 step meeting...but I will.  I have before, I said I would again, and I will — tonight, put one foot in front of the other and get myself there.  I'm tired of the consequences of this lifestyle that I seem to suffer from more than anyone else.  It's nothing new, a pattern that throughout my life I've been on either side of, or somewhere towards the middle.  I just can't do it anymore...I keep feeling like everything is slipping away, like I'm slowly losing things.  At this junction in my life the last thing I want to be doing is losing anything worthwhile.  Throughout the years I've lost so much it's impossible to quantify when I look back at it...its going to be humbling to walk back through the doors of the rooms...humbling and necessary.  Every time i've ever left, two thoughts have gone through my mind when coming back.  1.) why am I coming back? 2.) why did I ever leave in the first place.  I don't wnat to be anyones burden and it feels like I'm exactly that in situations where I've had too much — or the day after having had too much.  There's no time like the present, right?  Waiting for her to come by and pick me up for awhile, although I won't be staying the night tonight...  

27 January 2018 @ 01:54 pm

Somehwere along the line I feel like this creativity of mine decided to find a cozy spot to light upon, circle a few times and lie down on, simultaneously closing eyelids

and almost immediately beginning to snore.  I prod sometimes, it lifts its heavy tired head and yawns, sometimes gets up to arch its back while stretching its legs.  Sometimes utters a few mews, meows, or cackles.  I quickly write down what I can interpret...what sounds fitting, what sounds like it holds a spark, what sounds new.  Then my cat is again curled back around itself and snoozing peacefully again...and my mind is racing at a slow steady pace scanning the landscapes inside for any promise of a story, a voice that is on the verge...one that really needs to purge and be heard.  

30 January 2016 @ 12:11 pm
Blurred lines
rain on glass cold air coming through the window pane
as you sleep beside me and I watch how peaceful you look.
Remember when I called you from the crisis center?
Remember when I couldn't remember one hour in a day to another day in advance.
We put it on credit
I say we because I'm not the one who wants to turn away
I say we because I can't believe how many OD's I survived within the first weeks you knew me.
Can we say it was all for nothing?
Spent my whole life looking for hope
When you picked me up
I was so scared I could barely breathe
checking the rearview, the sideview
every fucking mirror
caps open powder washed down
I came from middle class and dethroned myself to gutter
brought back from death straight out ICU
and still I see you but I don't think you can see me.
When your closest family died it was like she took us with her
The irony is like wrought iron smacked against my temple
My archetype stepped right out of my dreams and off the pedestal to hold me in her arms.
and I held her tight.
I held you.
I'm still shivering like the first night we spent at our first hotel.
I let you into my heart you let me into yours
now the closest to passion is passed in spoken or unspoken resentment
Glad I'm not a gambler cuz seems as though another life I bet and lost
house takes all, thanks for the reminder Mr. DeNiro.
Nothing could ever come between us that wasn't already, I guess (?)
So many things I didn't learn fast enough
I always knew I had bad timing, can't blame it on ADHD
I'd blame the mirror but I can't even gather strength to blame that
Tell you what give me 5 minutes with the reflection when I stand before it...
If living isn't worth it why do you bother asking me if I'm taking steps in mine,
did you forget our pact - if you disappear you're not the only one you take with you
if I lived my entire life anew thereafter we could scratch the 'anew'
replace with living death is a gift really a gift if after the fact you've told me you regretted
ever giving it?
Our first date I wasn't tripping, high enough to be hospitalized but
that wasn't why I kept asking if you were real.
Til debt do us part, like that article I read a few years back in TIME magazine
or was it lack of time magazine
A man that gives a dollar and hides a hundred isn't giving shit
but when I gave everything I had and was still told it wasn't enough - every fear I ever had then that you reassured me was only that
became everything (we) agreed it wouldn't.
Nights before M***** died I still hear the remote and VHS you threw across the room into the bureau
left me alone to be alone with her and I understood, maybe more than I should've. 16 caps LDA and 11 pages later, 5 a.m. trifolded I placed next to your bedside.
you read and said nothing.
Never told you that night I reconsidered our pact
but there simply isn't enough for such a previously
high tolerance for
not wanting to feel like death
like I did every moment of every day I tried to forget, the life I lived before we met.
This morning the newspaper flashed before my eyes but I don't get the Press
I saw the opening header reading Obituaries and was worried - the way I worry about the recurring dream in black and white and gray that I've not had for nearly a year until last week but still am
haunted by from time to time through out my day - intrusive thoughts
I donno how my heart keeps beating at the door of hope of life of future
when it feels like it no longer has that right.
Said I wouldn't leave your side but I won't stay if you ask me to go
I don't even think you'd ask probably shove
maybe I deserve. I was reborn in your love and renewed in love from above shining through you as a vessel and me reflecting that in happiness with you, doesn't mean I can convince my creditors to wipe my slate.
It's hard to be intimate or say nice things when you can't hear my voice between the wall of glass between your want to die and my want to live and live together even if we can't afford to yet.
Fuck I've never had so much hope in something other than an Rx bottle or a 5 refill / 3 months worth of paper scripts, never had so much hope in someone as I've had in you, in us, and now I relive every time I doubted self and attempted to quench deaths thirst with the blood of my life.
just cuz I'm done with the past doesn't mean it's through with me.
if it has to end I want you to make it as painful as the start was euphoric.
we owe it that much.
I've kept my mouth shut too fucking long, and just cuz I still can't find the words to speak
doesn't mean I can't find the words to write.
You've held my life in your palm since you saved it,
and you will when your words to me that i'll walk away will come from your mouth as you turn
and disappear.

26 February 2015 @ 01:07 pm
I would feel better about this if it didn't seem altogether difficult most of the time.
18 February 2015 @ 06:12 pm
What's the most unusual conversation you've ever had?
my mother and I discussing a sexual body part while she was in one of 3 multiple personalities in a parking lot in july.
18 February 2015 @ 12:45 pm
I don't wanna do something stupid,
what's the other word ?

I would like to run away though,
in a car that isn't mine
with a permit because I never paid to get my license back
at a speed way above the limit
disregarding red lights at left turns
not loaded but not sober either
blaring mellow music (cuz no one seems to do that)
and burning super hit incense (because it's absolutely awesome.)

with you of course.
12 February 2015 @ 04:55 pm
Brown leather beneath my bottom the sunlight shines ricocheting off the arms of the chair. Missing you. I think of you always- your strength, how you've changed me. I think also of the ways you've helped me to change. I braved an equally cold day yesterday walking from bus stop to destination to bus stop. Thd wind edged a cold shave against my cheeks. We find warmth and strength to accomplish much more when we do so in love. With grace at my back I find that there's a way to go further than I would have been able to. I keep in mind that continuing to do my part - even if it feels as though it's not enough is still worth it.


The rise of her eyelids to the first glimpses of iris are my dawn.
I can't alwAys focus on what she's saying while capturing her demeanor.
Her light pours out across the terrain of my heart, to my world
I'm rejuvenated, given rest and reprieve, a pulse of electricity moves a motor inside of me. How else would I be able to continue in such a world? I am grateful that after such searching I have been given grace in the incredible things found!
I take my memories of her fair skin and hair, as I would take a breath of air after attempting to hold it until passing out. I drink her scented aura, sipping it as the most sacred of elixirs. It is an ever living gift to feel alive in a life that felt anything but. Knowing her is like finding the surface of what I imagine it would be like to know everything in the world. I've asked myself what it would be like to live the miracle, to watch the ethers surreal drip through the crevices of surreality to the world right in front of me that I can wrap my arms and mind around.

It is knowing her, my sweet Rosemary.
23 December 2014 @ 12:24 pm
i slide easily i slide so easily
i can taste...
your cum like sweet like
C 14 aftertaste and promethadream
wet and warm and that would have segued er....whatever.....
03 December 2014 @ 03:14 pm
in love again
against again
again and i pine and rite and i draw and i fight
i'll get through...
i'll get through...
i'll live thru this...
echoes of the past lying barely breathing on the floor that is grass.
i walked days
i don't remember
i can't remember
i won't remember
i'm so fucking angry.
i'm so fucking horny
i'm so fucking done with
looking through double pained glass.
i won't believe in... i won't and i will only be honest with.
i give honestly,
only to myself.