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15 September 2014 @ 03:52 pm
it never used to happen that way, I never used to feel. I stare at the sun. I stare at the trees. I stare at the people. I don't feel. I don't feel. but I feel too much.
all I want
I can't separate you from the drank in my NOS
I can't separate you from the med in my bowl.
I can't separate you from the powder on the glass
the displacement of air the hypoxia
the feel of
days tripping
balls on balls on tripping balls
and f
ucking you the bed the drug the hand the memories
15 September 2014 @ 11:27 am
The winter began, the way it usually does, with the rain and the cold. the days that rapidly changed to humid and 70's. It has been so long since we've shared a word.
since we've shared a sentence

I really want to stop missing you so I can start missing something else.
so I can focus.

this is boring.

I need.

I fucking need you
09 August 2014 @ 08:25 pm
a drop of blood
smears of sweat
my own scent or essence
dreaming of a daydream in another year in time.
i am e.
i am go(ing)
when stripped of all, you realize what clothes you are actually wearing.
(im)perfectly human.
05 August 2014 @ 08:28 pm
this is not a preferred drug list.
this listlessness aroused from past to present passing momentary bliss.
i want
to touch forever.
the way we could when we were burned by the stars.
we closed our eyes and felt the heat.
healed and blanketed while the other side nearly caught frost bite.
i don't want to leave.
so i would never stay.
i would always keep on moving.
but this is no game
this is no play
with no curtains
and the script that has been written is all coming out improvised.
i promised.
i broke.
i promised again.
yet broke.
i only have a moment, darling.
so hug me like you may never see me again.
talk to me as if for thousands of years we have been friends.
kiss me till we gasp again
and once again feel the starshine begin
i say to self and to self only, to God and all that's left and holy
please don't (let) me leave (again)

23 July 2014 @ 03:02 pm
remember(ed), remembrance
23 July 2014 @ 02:40 pm
jinxed j walk n jane (c)2k14solwilliamsonallrightsreserved

cannot tell you when it happened,
can tell you that i called (you missed the message, i missed the mark, the memo, the memo...)
i wrote a letter sent with postage stamp
even hell said "aint that bad"
i don't
need to see the signs
that you don't write
with the letters spelling
the words that are not there
do what ya will
i know ya always have
(i hear the echo of us saying it at the same time (jinx)
i never cared for lies
you never wanted honesty honey, now you
know so much better than i what you can handle.
are we listening for the spaces in between?
the birds? the talon on this chalkboard made of glass (cracking ever so slowly)
in front
of the
nothing not
i think you were lying down high when i told you i was going for a walk
i never
told you
i was going to walk in repetition forming a curly cue or cursive "j"
of you...
while you...
sparked the buds
23 June 2014 @ 09:04 pm
(begin transmission)
car passes by, as many do. the sky is a slate blue mixed with cream. I can't compare it to anything other than water colors. walking on the left side down the street I'm passing the trees. my cousin dropped me off at the park on the corner about 2 blocks prior. but I couldn't stay. it looked like there was a drug deal going on. no matter, I just didn't feel like seeing it was all. you get used to some things in the city. like you get used to hearing someone vomit behind the door of a bathroom. it doesn't mean you ever really 'get used to it' (even if you're the one vomiting). I couldn't get alone enough to be alone really. I don't feel as though I can get away like I used to and I can't talk to my mom because everytime I do all I do is bring her more stress. like I'm some sort of beacon of positivity. I could lie, it would be easier. what point would that serve me now? and how could I really?
I'm close to the cathedral now, I can see flowers and well manicured growing things that I don't know the names of and fresh mulch. it reminds me of my grandmother, and also how much easier it was for her to lie than to tell the truth. it also reminds me how well she tended her rose garden. a light breeze passes through almost as if god's presence is coming right over the sharp angles of the church, and the sides of the cathedral. touching me. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't see the point. but I can't shut up. I see no point to either. I have so much to get out. it hurts to feel alone. the door to the church is open and I remember a spiritual experience I had there when homeless, seems like years ago. I'm walking down Selby which turns into Summit. Summit is an intersecting street. to the left of which will take you further downtown St. Paul. To the right will take me to my destination. I'm trying to find something to be grateful for, I don't doubt them. nor do I feel any different. there is only so much I can do in a day...or TO day. instantly my legs hurt. I see a beautiful young woman and a child - I look away across to the tops of the cities buildings - still the feeling of the pain in my legs. because I took my meds late. and I can see so much of the city...the promise of a new Sol. A new start. and the thought makes me happy, even if I'm not. makes me feel like I'm dext. I'm surrounded by beauty yet I feel dirty, or I feel dirty and I'm surrounded by beauty - the conflicting emotions simultaneous and common to dissociatives and psychedelics. a car lets me cross, another car nearly hits me. I'm used to this, I almost like it. I made just enough time to gather strength. I notice some pointsettas. I have to ask myself why it feels as though I'm losing words. because I stopped writing? (end transmission)
so should i feel relieved?
when i finally asked to be what i already believed
to be true
i believe
i believe.

i don't hold your half truths, i accept where i was wrong, even if i dislike.

i'm not a martyr
i'm not a victim

feelings are. perception is. i'm glad i asked.

and that is all.