car passes by, as many do. the sky is a slate blue mixed with cream. I can't compare it to anything other than water colors. walking on the left side down the street I'm passing the trees. my cousin dropped me off at the park on the corner about 2 blocks prior. but I couldn't stay. it looked like there was a drug deal going on. no matter, I just didn't feel like seeing it was all. you get used to some things in the city. like you get used to hearing someone vomit behind the door of a bathroom. it doesn't mean you ever really 'get used to it' (even if you're the one vomiting). I couldn't get alone enough to be alone really. I don't feel as though I can get away like I used to and I can't talk to my mom because everytime I do all I do is bring her more stress. like I'm some sort of beacon of positivity. I could lie, it would be easier. what point would that serve me now? and how could I really?
I'm close to the cathedral now, I can see flowers and well manicured growing things that I don't know the names of and fresh mulch. it reminds me of my grandmother, and also how much easier it was for her to lie than to tell the truth. it also reminds me how well she tended her rose garden. a light breeze passes through almost as if god's presence is coming right over the sharp angles of the church, and the sides of the cathedral. touching me. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't see the point. but I can't shut up. I see no point to either. I have so much to get out. it hurts to feel alone. the door to the church is open and I remember a spiritual experience I had there when homeless, seems like years ago. I'm walking down Selby which turns into Summit. Summit is an intersecting street. to the left of which will take you further downtown St. Paul. To the right will take me to my destination. I'm trying to find something to be grateful for, I don't doubt them. nor do I feel any different. there is only so much I can do in a day...or TO day. instantly my legs hurt. I see a beautiful young woman and a child - I look away across to the tops of the cities buildings - still the feeling of the pain in my legs. because I took my meds late. and I can see so much of the city...the promise of a new Sol. A new start. and the thought makes me happy, even if I'm not. makes me feel like I'm dext. I'm surrounded by beauty yet I feel dirty, or I feel dirty and I'm surrounded by beauty - the conflicting emotions simultaneous and common to dissociatives and psychedelics. a car lets me cross, another car nearly hits me. I'm used to this, I almost like it. I made just enough time to gather strength. I notice some pointsettas. I have to ask myself why it feels as though I'm losing words. because I stopped writing? (end transmission)