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30 January 2016 @ 12:11 pm
Blurred lines
rain on glass cold air coming through the window pane
as you sleep beside me and I watch how peaceful you look.
Remember when I called you from the crisis center?
Remember when I couldn't remember one hour in a day to another day in advance.
We put it on credit
I say we because I'm not the one who wants to turn away
I say we because I can't believe how many OD's I survived within the first weeks you knew me.
Can we say it was all for nothing?
Spent my whole life looking for hope
When you picked me up
I was so scared I could barely breathe
checking the rearview, the sideview
every fucking mirror
caps open powder washed down
I came from middle class and dethroned myself to gutter
brought back from death straight out ICU
and still I see you but I don't think you can see me.
When your closest family died it was like she took us with her
The irony is like wrought iron smacked against my temple
My archetype stepped right out of my dreams and off the pedestal to hold me in her arms.
and I held her tight.
I held you.
I'm still shivering like the first night we spent at our first hotel.
I let you into my heart you let me into yours
now the closest to passion is passed in spoken or unspoken resentment
Glad I'm not a gambler cuz seems as though another life I bet and lost
house takes all, thanks for the reminder Mr. DeNiro.
Nothing could ever come between us that wasn't already, I guess (?)
So many things I didn't learn fast enough
I always knew I had bad timing, can't blame it on ADHD
I'd blame the mirror but I can't even gather strength to blame that
Tell you what give me 5 minutes with the reflection when I stand before it...
If living isn't worth it why do you bother asking me if I'm taking steps in mine,
did you forget our pact - if you disappear you're not the only one you take with you
if I lived my entire life anew thereafter we could scratch the 'anew'
replace with living death is a gift really a gift if after the fact you've told me you regretted
ever giving it?
Our first date I wasn't tripping, high enough to be hospitalized but
that wasn't why I kept asking if you were real.
Til debt do us part, like that article I read a few years back in TIME magazine
or was it lack of time magazine
A man that gives a dollar and hides a hundred isn't giving shit
but when I gave everything I had and was still told it wasn't enough - every fear I ever had then that you reassured me was only that
became everything (we) agreed it wouldn't.
Nights before M***** died I still hear the remote and VHS you threw across the room into the bureau
left me alone to be alone with her and I understood, maybe more than I should've. 16 caps LDA and 11 pages later, 5 a.m. trifolded I placed next to your bedside.
you read and said nothing.
Never told you that night I reconsidered our pact
but there simply isn't enough for such a previously
high tolerance for
not wanting to feel like death
like I did every moment of every day I tried to forget, the life I lived before we met.
This morning the newspaper flashed before my eyes but I don't get the Press
I saw the opening header reading Obituaries and was worried - the way I worry about the recurring dream in black and white and gray that I've not had for nearly a year until last week but still am
haunted by from time to time through out my day - intrusive thoughts
I donno how my heart keeps beating at the door of hope of life of future
when it feels like it no longer has that right.
Said I wouldn't leave your side but I won't stay if you ask me to go
I don't even think you'd ask probably shove
maybe I deserve. I was reborn in your love and renewed in love from above shining through you as a vessel and me reflecting that in happiness with you, doesn't mean I can convince my creditors to wipe my slate.
It's hard to be intimate or say nice things when you can't hear my voice between the wall of glass between your want to die and my want to live and live together even if we can't afford to yet.
Fuck I've never had so much hope in something other than an Rx bottle or a 5 refill / 3 months worth of paper scripts, never had so much hope in someone as I've had in you, in us, and now I relive every time I doubted self and attempted to quench deaths thirst with the blood of my life.
just cuz I'm done with the past doesn't mean it's through with me.
if it has to end I want you to make it as painful as the start was euphoric.
we owe it that much.
I've kept my mouth shut too fucking long, and just cuz I still can't find the words to speak
doesn't mean I can't find the words to write.
You've held my life in your palm since you saved it,
and you will when your words to me that i'll walk away will come from your mouth as you turn
and disappear.

26 February 2015 @ 01:07 pm
I would feel better about this if it didn't seem altogether difficult most of the time.
18 February 2015 @ 06:12 pm
What's the most unusual conversation you've ever had?
my mother and I discussing a sexual body part while she was in one of 3 multiple personalities in a parking lot in july.
18 February 2015 @ 12:45 pm
I don't wanna do something stupid,
what's the other word ?

I would like to run away though,
in a car that isn't mine
with a permit because I never paid to get my license back
at a speed way above the limit
disregarding red lights at left turns
not loaded but not sober either
blaring mellow music (cuz no one seems to do that)
and burning super hit incense (because it's absolutely awesome.)

with you of course.
12 February 2015 @ 04:55 pm
Brown leather beneath my bottom the sunlight shines ricocheting off the arms of the chair. Missing you. I think of you always- your strength, how you've changed me. I think also of the ways you've helped me to change. I braved an equally cold day yesterday walking from bus stop to destination to bus stop. Thd wind edged a cold shave against my cheeks. We find warmth and strength to accomplish much more when we do so in love. With grace at my back I find that there's a way to go further than I would have been able to. I keep in mind that continuing to do my part - even if it feels as though it's not enough is still worth it.


The rise of her eyelids to the first glimpses of iris are my dawn.
I can't alwAys focus on what she's saying while capturing her demeanor.
Her light pours out across the terrain of my heart, to my world
I'm rejuvenated, given rest and reprieve, a pulse of electricity moves a motor inside of me. How else would I be able to continue in such a world? I am grateful that after such searching I have been given grace in the incredible things found!
I take my memories of her fair skin and hair, as I would take a breath of air after attempting to hold it until passing out. I drink her scented aura, sipping it as the most sacred of elixirs. It is an ever living gift to feel alive in a life that felt anything but. Knowing her is like finding the surface of what I imagine it would be like to know everything in the world. I've asked myself what it would be like to live the miracle, to watch the ethers surreal drip through the crevices of surreality to the world right in front of me that I can wrap my arms and mind around.

It is knowing her, my sweet Rosemary.
23 December 2014 @ 12:24 pm
i slide easily i slide so easily
i can taste...
your cum like sweet like
C 14 aftertaste and promethadream
wet and warm and that would have segued er....whatever.....
03 December 2014 @ 03:14 pm
in love again
against again
again and i pine and rite and i draw and i fight
i'll get through...
i'll get through...
i'll live thru this...
echoes of the past lying barely breathing on the floor that is grass.
i walked days
i don't remember
i can't remember
i won't remember
i'm so fucking angry.
i'm so fucking horny
i'm so fucking done with
looking through double pained glass.
i won't believe in... i won't and i will only be honest with.
i give honestly,
only to myself.
03 December 2014 @ 03:10 pm
i couldn't beleive it. my whole entire life has been about chasing freedom. i've chased and chased, i've run as fast as i could to the very things that have only
nearly killed me??
they tell me i can't manage my own life...yet at the same time, they can't manage it either. i've not been able to escape myself.
i've not been able to escape "them"
i try to get away
i used to believe that freedom was something that i could simply access with the right amount of
or living as fully in the present
or for that matter, getting as high as i possibly could...
i'm 29 and i'm still waiting for them to tell me what i can
order on a menu for breakfast and dinner.
and that is the reality. and facing that has been worse...than many things i can't think straight.
C 14s
i dream
out one week
in another week (out of my mind)
waiting as time speeds up and i slow down or i speed up and time slows down.
wish i want wish it
believe it
achieve it
definitely trying to find a way, a way to get to freedom.
or its' lie
i don't care if it's the real thing, baby so long as i can call it mine.
i donno how many more times i can take
a compliment to the head.
a maniacal ego inflated head
i can't concentrate there are voices around me coming from people not from inside my head.
(will this person just shut the fuck up for o n e second?)
so yeah again homeless
i mark another overdose on my person transcript in the school of Success!: Fail.
i swear there is a tumor
somewhere in here, i keep rummaging through my minds garbage e-mail spam mail box.
get out what you put in
(can't you smell that sweat in the air...that medicinal hallucinogenic taste of 'freeze, danger,
red hornets, spiders, walking trees)

i can't go on like this, i can't block this person across from me in this classroom taskroom whatever room

(c)2k14 S.Williamson(sonofnoone)/Bl2dIInkpOetry/aspiring minds inquire (tm) all rights reserved.
17 October 2014 @ 01:39 pm
gone away streetwise ony made me weaker but gave my soul a rock that became a pearl of the unbreakable i cast no shadow i dance in full moolit dream your mirage a candid whisper becoming mantra aligned with heartmeets count breaths and beats like clouds within the confines of the endless. i pass through the heavy doors of the church when no ones looking before the keys of the organs' strike
holy water swiped crost my scars of an x when i lost my last life and gained another
i think of nothing it's still a sworn prayer. passing by the statue of the mother mary back to the rhythm of slate sidewalks unclean in their own cleanliness still beautified by the rhythm of energies passing thru the air. ashes only come after the carbon is gone.